You're a mink handjob in sarcophagus heels.

Closing time.

2006-02-06T22:20:00.000-06:00

Yes, it's time to retire this particular version of my site.

Yeah, I know, this incarnation hasn't been around very long. However, as I have my own hosted server now, I feel like it's time to move to a more sophisticated system. So, I welcome you to visit me at www.perardi.com/blog.

I can't help but feel a little sentimental in leaving this place. (Hence the kitten down below. Kittens are my only true weakness.) I moved here from my old site at the beginning of Fall '05 semester, an emotional time. Doug's death was the first substantial post on here. And, around that time, although I don't think I posted anything much about this, my dad had a spot o' bladder cancer followed by a lovely retinal detachment. Which was trying, but posting here cheered me up.

And of course, there were good times. My vicious and blood-thisty murder threat against the saintly OBO staff, for example. Who can forget that? (Certainly not the editorial page in the DI...) And there were the details of my excursions into actually interacting with people from back home. And the job posts. And the weekend posts. And the quizzes. And the links. And the naked picture of Brad Dix getting blown by a guy.

Good times.

But, change comes to all things, and it's time to move on.

So, as of now, this site is closed.

And to close things off, the song that gave the site it's title, Cassandra Gemini, by The Mars Volta:
"I think I’ve become like one of the others
I think I’ve become like one of the others
I think I’ve become like one of the others
There was a frail syrup dripping off
His lap danced lapel, punctuated by her
Decrepit prowl she washed down the hatching
Gizzard soft as a mane of needles
His orifice icicles hemorrhaged
By combing her torso to a pile
Perspired the trophy shelves made room for his collapse
She was a mink handjob in sarcophagus heels

Bring me to my knees
Read the sharpened lines
All my arms, bled me blind
Faucet leaks in shadows
Spilling from morgue lancet
Caressed your fontanelle
I’ve sworn to kill every last one
Every last one
Panic in the shakes of the wounded
Panic in the worms
Onto the floor
And out of your mouth
Out of your eyelids
No there’s no light, in the darkest
Of your furthest reaches
No there’s no light, in the darkest
Of your furthest reaches
All your dreams, splintered off
Leech by leech on this catafalque
Anyone will tell you, yes anyone
Chance had me setting a trip wire alarm
Your mother flirted with disease
When she skinned that costume by it’s navel strings
Panic in the shakes of the wounded
Panic in the worms, onto the floor
And out of your mouth out of your eyelids
No there’s no light, in the darkest
Of your furthest reaches
No there’s no light, in the darkest
Of your furthest reaches
No there’s no light, in the darkest
Of your furthest reaches
Shock lest shackles free you
Volt face cons
abandon you again
I won’t feel not this time
Brick by brick, the night eclipsed
Pricked by cuticle thorns
Dried the sleep on nursery slits
Into this life I’m born
Heaven’s just a scab away
I’d like to see you after just one taste
Sink your teeth into the flesh of midnight
Night forever more, let them see it has begun
The others I’ve become
If you should see the dice, charmed with
It’s snaked choked eyes
You’ll wear the widows weeds
Because they’re just your size
Behind the snail secretion, leaves a dry heave that absorbs
A limbless procreation, let the infant crawled deformed
A bag replaced the breath of these suffocating sheets
And now when the craving calls
I’ll scratch my itchy teeth
Come on and sing it now
Sink your teeth
Into the flesh of midnight, night forever more
Sink your teeth
Into the flesh of midnight, night forever more
She fell for the whispers, sister flooded deaf tears
That night tore a river, in her baron womb mirror
And his multiple sons with their mandible tongues
Set crucified fires to petrified homes…let it burn
And the owls they were watching
And the owls didn’t care
Then the owls came a knocking, placenta in their stares
They will feed on all the carnage, leftover from the flood
And in the corner of their eyes, fled sister L’ Via
Now the pieces went floating, reflecting all at dusk
Conceived from the stabbing, was Vismund Cygnus
Twenty five wives in the lake tonight
Raw bark in the water of the marble shrine
Twenty five snakes pour out your eyes
Yeah the icepicks cumming on the marble shrine
Twenty five snakes are drowning
You can’t bend your crooked arms or fold your punctured proof
The air is growing cold and there’s nothing you can do
Soon there’ll be no gauze, inside the confessional
Only rows of crows, defrocking every breath
And one day you’ll remember
Behind the melting cones, you always had a family
In the burial of your home.
I’ll peel back all of my skin
Peel back and let it all run
Brick by brick, the night eclipsed
Pricked by the cuticle thorns, dried the sleep
On nursery slits into this life I’m born
Havens just a scab away, I’d like to see you
After just one taste
Sink your teeth into the flesh of midnight
Night forever more, let them see it has begun
The others I’ve become
No there’s no light, in the darkest
Of your furthest reaches
No there’s no light, no there’s no time
You ain’t got nothing, your life was just a lie."

No joke necessary.

2006-02-06T12:06:00.000-06:00

Michael Jackson may work with Vatican.

So...many...jokes...can't...

Current Mood: restrained
Current Music: Birds of Fire - "Birds of Fire" - Mahavishnu Orchestra

So...[bangs head on desk]...damn...[bangs head on desk]...busy...[crack]!

2006-02-05T18:04:00.000-06:00

So busy.

WorkMeetingExtraworkMissmeetingUnfinishedworkLaundryCleaningHomework!

Crazy! Yes!

But on the plus side, my pet browser on the Mac, Camino, has reached 1.0 candidate stage. You should try it.

And if you're on Windows, a substantial update, but with a tiny number bump, for Firefox has come out. Download 1.5.0.1. I hear from my Windows test bitch (hi, Bill!) that it helps a whole hell of a lot with memory leaks.

Also, GAIM 2.0 is in final candidate status. Here's a direct link to the Windows beta 2. It's got voice chat now. In addition to the "chat with every service in one program" goodness.

Current Mood: crazy
Current Watching: Monk-"Mr. Monk Bumps His Head"

Forewarned is forearmed.

2006-02-04T19:57:00.000-06:00

A warning to my 2 loyal readers: I'm going to be switching sites soon.

(gasps or horror, dismay)

I know, I know. You're in shock. I don't blame you.

But still, I'm switching blog sites. To where? Well, you'll see soon enough. Oh yes, you will.

...

...

All right, fine, O.K., I've created my own domain and I'm going to host a WordPress-based log there.

I signed up with Dreamhost to get my my own site. And I got a re-goddamn-diculous deal. I get 20 gigs of space, a terabyte of bandwidth per month, a full shell and FTP account, one click installation of blog, wiki, and content management software, and my own vanity e-mail address. Which, really, being as vain as I am, is the main draw.

And, best of all, I paid...$9.24.

No. Really.

If you go to the site and enter 777 as the promo code, you get a year's worth of hosting for the price of one drink at Boltini.So, if you want your own domain, click my referrer link. (Yes, I just whored myself out for cash. I'm evil.)

Anyway, I'll be switching soon. So be ready.

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: The Outsider - "Thirteenth Step" - A Perfect Circle

Girls Gone Wild! (slutty screaming noise)

2006-02-02T23:19:00.000-06:00

A commercial just asked me: "Ever dream of having your own private island full of hot young girls battling each other for your viewing pleasure?"

Oddly, I kinda have. Not in a sexual fashion, just, you know, it's more of a "I've always wanted a private army of angry lesbians" desire.

Doesn't everybody have that fantasy?

Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: Masturbates - "Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy" - Mindless Self Indulgence

Nah, never mind.

2006-02-02T20:45:00.000-06:00

I was going to post an incredibly belligerent response to this article, but I won't.

To give you a glimpse of what I've written: "You just don't like it because you'd rather have mindless zombies performing symbolic cannibalism on your sheep god. Go back to fucking your alter boys."

The reason I'm not posting: The Catholics really enjoy killing people. A lot. For centuries, it was the religion's pass-time. So I'll be silent this once.

Current Mood: cautious
Current Music: Exhibit 13 - Mandelbrot, No. 4 (Hidden Track) - "The Complex" - Blue Man Group

Bleeuuurgh.

2006-02-02T19:46:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling kinda down tonight. Not sure why; just kinda meh. So, quiz:

Four jobs in your life [best to worst]:
1. Graphic Designer @ Illini Media
2. Guide @ Lakeview Museum in Peoria
3. Book sortin' whore @ UIUC Library
4. Pig inseminator @ a farm

Four movies you could watch over and over:
1. Ghostbusters
2. Akira
3. The Matrix
4. Chicks with Dicks: Volume 4 - Cum Guzzling Asian Sensations

Four places you have lived:
1. Trivoli, IL
2. Urbana, IL
3. Champaign, IL
4. Bowels, Hell

Four places you have been on vacation:
1. Disney World, Florida
2. Colorado Springs, Colorado
3. Gulf Coast, Florida
4. Big Gay Bathhouse Tour, New York

Four websites you visit daily:
1. www.slashdot.org
2. www.arstechnica.com
3. www.macintouch.com
4. http://synflood.at/mirrors/goatse.cx/

Four of your favorite foods:
1. Popcorn
2. Chicken
3. Bread
4. Your Mom

Current Mood: lil' down
Current Music: Rhapsody in Blue - "The Essential George Gershwin" - George Gershwin

So maybe the President isn't a homonculus created by Cheney...

2006-02-01T11:48:00.000-06:00

I was going to make a series of anime related jokes about Human-Animal Hybrids, but I don't think anybody that reads this knows of Fullmetal Alchemist. So I won't.

Instead, I'll point out some conservative whackos (i.e. the governor of Ohio) is declaring Valentine's Day a Day of Purity.

On that day, one is to

...make a public demonstration of their commitment to remain sexually pure, in mind and actions.

Now, I certainly won't be getting laid on February 14th. Quite the opposite: my usual Valentine's Day consists of crying, masturbating, more crying, more masturbating, drinking an entire bottle of cheap vodka, swallowing some black market Oxycontin, and going to the hospital for a stomach pump and a two-day suicide watch.

Pure? Maybe not. But there will be no sex, no sir. Does that count?

Current Mood: scared of human-animal hybrids
Current Music: 100 Ways - "Good God's Urge" - Porno For Pyros

My IM log for January 31st, 2006.

2006-02-01T00:12:00.000-06:00

Me: I love people with easy to guess passwords.
Bill Blanchard: whoaaaa, poor brad
Me: Yeah.
Bill: I'm suddenly glad I put effort into my password
Me: In the "How do you know this person" section, it now says we hooked up, and it was "Ass blastingly good." Also, he's my son. And we worked at a porn store.
Bill: nice
--
Me: I've said it before, but I must say it again: If that guy isn't gay, I will eat my old iBook. The blue one that weighed like seven pounds and could stop a sniper's bullet. I'll eat it battery and all. I'll even eat the power cord.
--
Zach Smalley: I ordered a MacBook Pro.
Me: The fact you're getting a MacBook makes me want to slit you from balls to chin and strangle you with your own intenstines. I'm that jealous.
Zach: Chris! What if the OBO hears that?
--
Mark Nattier: i love how we have our culvers group
Mark: just us
Me: And the voices in your head.
Mark: haha
Mark: i have so many of those lately
Mark: how about your voices? are they at least enjoyable? mine are just plane rude
Me: I have one that tells me to throw paint on the Alma Mater.
Me: I also have one that tells me to keep you locked up in my closet, starve you to death, and then make a lovely set of human-leather pants out of your flesh.
Me: I'll call them Markachinos.
Me: I'll be the hit of the spring fashion season.

Current Mood: talkative
Current Music: I Think I Can - "FLCL Original Soundrack No.3" - the pillows

If I had a nickel for every time I said that while testing a Camino nightly build...

2006-01-31T21:34:00.000-06:00

Broke Mac Mountain.

Yes, a Brokeback Mountain spoof. One of, like, roughly 10⁹ that are out there. Still, it's funny. At least if you're a Mac user.

Current Mood: laughing
Current Music: Bohemian Rhapsody - "A Night At The Opera" - Queen

Photoshop Whore!

2006-01-30T22:58:00.000-06:00

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: The Real Folk Blues - "Cowboy Bebop" - The Seatbelts

And I'm gonna haunt your ass. Yes, you.

2006-01-30T17:12:00.000-06:00

After you die...
Poltergeist

After death, you will become an enraged poltergeist. You will choose not to follow the light, but instead torment whoever happens to co-exist in the same space as you. Your anger will never diminish, but you will find solace in destroying expensive china.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Current Mood: full
Current Music: She Sells Sanctuary - "Pure Cult: The Singles 1984-1995" - The Cult

That's just creepy, not persuasive.

2006-01-30T16:48:00.000-06:00

PETA's latest ad.

Be sure to watch the uncensored version.

Somehow that ad is supposed to be anti-milk, but I don't see it. Instead, it just instilled a terrifying fear of breasts in me.

Current Mood: scared
Current Music: Third Eye - "Ænima" - Tool

"If I don’t sleep at least, like, ten hours, I’m likely to bury a laptop in someone’s head."

2006-01-30T15:25:00.000-06:00

CollegeHumor Article: Hot To Sleep In College

I had my own system to get good sleep freshman year.

I acted like such a dick to my roommate he disappeared for about two months.

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: No One Knows - "Songs For The Deaf" - Queens Of The Stone Age

Reviews of girly drinks.

2006-01-28T15:32:00.000-06:00

Chocolate Martini @ Firehaus: Awful. There's something really awful about the combination of creme, chocolate syrup, and vodka.
Ruby Red @ Boltini: Meh, decent. But really no different than an appletini.
Purple Haze @ Boltini: Like pure happiness in a glass. My new favorite cocktail.^*
Your Mom @ Your Childhood Bed: Kinda rough, with a very strong tuna aftertaste.

Current Mood: bored
Current Music: Purple Haze - "Are You Experienced" - The Jimi Hendrix Experience

^*I'm unsure if I should classify this drink as a "girly" drink. Yes, it's brightly colored, comes in a cocktail glass, and has an orange slice in it. But, it's named after a Hendrix song. Which complicates matters.

I enjoy being (on an incredibly small scale) notorious.

2006-01-27T21:02:00.000-06:00

I was mentioned in the paper today, I think the fourth time, for my unquenchable bloodlust and incurable desire to brutally murder conservatives.

Read that letter. Especially the last paragraph.

Could anybody really doubt this kid is crazy? Especially when you read this bizarre and downright creepy little power fantasy of his about stalking and killing Che Guevara?

--

On a related note, I really enjoy the, well, I suppose I'd call it recursive, experience of reading about my skull-busting tendencies in the DI while working at the DI and having my co-workers pick the letter apart. That's always fun. Especially when one of the girls there knew Leo in high school and confirmed that, yes, he's crazier than a shit-house rat.

Current Mood: my neck is stiff
Current Music: Gravity - "Thirteenth Step" - A Perfect Circle

And the president hides while working men rush in and give their lives...

2006-01-27T20:48:00.000-06:00

they tell us there are only two sides to be on
if you are on our side you’re right, if not, you’re wrong
but are we innocent, paragons of good?
is our guilt erased by the pain that we’ve endured? endured?

hey look it’s time to pledge allegiance
I love my dirty Uncle Sam
our country’s marching to the beat now
and we must learn to step in time

where is the questioning, where is the protest song?
since when is skepticism un-American?
dissent’s not treason but they talk like it’s the same
those who disagree are afraid to show their face. their face.

let’s break out our old machines now
it sure is good to see them run again
oh gentlemen, start your engines
and we know where we get the oil from

are you feeling alright now?
(is this why we unite?)
paint myself all red, white, and blue
(reasons to unite)
are you singing let’s fight now?
(if you hate this time)
innocent people die, uh oh
(remember we’re the time!)

show you love your country go out and spend some cash
red, white, blue hot pants doing it for Uncle Sam
now flex your muscles show them we’re stronger than the rest
raise your hands up baby, are you sure that we’re the best?

we’ll come out with our fists raised
the good old boys are back on top again
and if we let them lead us blindly
the past becomes the future once again

are you feeling alright now?
(reasons to unite)
paint myself all red, white, and blue
(is this why we unite?)
are you singing let’s fight now?
(if you hate this time)
innocent people die, uh oh
(remember we’re the time!)

are you singing let’s fight now?
(there’s reasons to unite)
innocent people die, uh oh
(is this why we unite?)
know that we’re the time
(if you hate this time)
know that we’re the time
(remember we’re the time!)

I was just watching, for some damn reason, Hannity & Colmes on Fox News. Sean Hannity, that lantern-jawed harbinger of the apocalypse, was agitating quite enthusiastically for war with Iran.

Today I heard a commercial on the radio reminding 18 year old men to sign up for Selective Service.

I wonder if the two are related.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Combat Rock - "One Beat" - Sleater-Kinney

Grrrrrr...

2006-01-26T22:10:00.000-06:00

Right, so, we're doing a PRIDE survey right now. Some of the responses are a little lacking.

See, when you say you're not coming to PRIDE because you don't feel welcome, that's not useful in and of itself. Tell us why you don't feel welcome.

Meh, at least there are some good responses. Apparently just about every likes movie nights.

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Hypersonic - "Strays" - Jane's Addiction

I love my mom.

2006-01-25T18:52:00.000-06:00

Mom e-mailed me today. Her message:

They cancelled The Book of Daniel. NBC and their sponsors are idiots and cowards! I think you should ask everyone in PRIDE to call and e-mail NBC. This is an intelligent show with timely issues. We have to fight censorship by radical groups!

Love,
Your furious Mom

I love my mom.

Oh, and if you didn't see that show at all, there's more info here.

I really liked the show, and it's too bad it's off the air. However, I'm not entirely sure it's the result of the AFA protest; more likely, the crappy timeslot and the lack of promotion probably did it in. Unless the lack of promotion was a result of the protest...hmmmm...

More links on the topic:

CNN article.
AFA response to cancelation.
TWoP reviews.

Current Mood: loving my parents
Current Music: Lines in Sand - "Porcelain" - Sparta

Quick Link.

2006-01-24T23:02:00.000-06:00

The Onion A.V. club has a good interview with Stephen Colbert.

I haven't like The Onion as much since their page redesign last year, but I still love the A.V. Club.

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Centuries Of Sin - "Probot" - Dave Grohl

More photos.

2006-01-24T22:06:00.000-06:00

I've added a new album: Firehaus. It's the best looking bar in Chambana.

Note: these photos come courtesy of Mark Nattier. These are used without his permission. If that limp wristed sissy boy gets mad, well, I'll just whup his ass. (I'm kidding Mark.) (No, I'm not really. I hate that homo.)

Current Mood: photo-y
Current Music: Forty Six & 2 - "Ænima" - Tool

Suh-wheet.

2006-01-24T21:36:00.000-06:00

I love taking fake useless LAS classes.

In Sociology today, there was a substitute teacher. Which I don't think I've ever really seen before. Guest lecturers, yes, but not a last-minute sub like in high school. Usually, if a teacher is sick, class is just cancelled. Today, though, I walk into class and there's a different teacher at the desk.

We sit down, and get ready for the weekly quiz. Every week we start the class with two quizzes, and then proceed with the lecture. So, as usual, we take the quizzes. And then, that's it. The teacher announces that he find sociology boring, and that the quizzes will be the only thing we do today. And he was serious. We handed in the quizzes and got to leave.

That's...peculiar. Great, because I had a lot of shit to do, but still, that's...odd.

Current Mood: windblown
Current Music: The Package - "Thirteenth Step" - A Perfect Circle

Uh-huh.

2006-01-24T13:33:00.000-06:00

Bush on Brokeback Mountain.

Whew, I'd love to go back to the ranch with that hunk o' man...

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Slither - "Contraband" - Velvet Revolver

Oh shit.

2006-01-23T01:05:00.000-06:00

Fair warning: if you like to make statements about Chuck Norris, like "Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. ", you better watch your ass.

Because Chuck Fucking Norris is on to you.

And that son of a bitch can roundhouse kick you so hard the atoms in your face fuse together and you go up into a thermonuclear blast. And, even worse, he can divide by zero, and god only knows what that will do to the universe itself...

Current Mood: scared
Current Music: Ænima - "Ænima" - Tool

2006-01-23T00:32:00.000-06:00

Yes, I'm now obsessed with photos. And yes, I suck at taking them. Fuck off. A few more albums on Flickr:

PRIDE Pictures
Work Pictures
Friends from Home

I'm surprised nobody I know uses Flickr. People have photos on Webshots, Yahoo Photos, Imagebucket, etc...but not Flickr. Which is puzzling, because Flickr is far and away the best picture hosting I've seen on the web. Namely, you get more space, and the feature are better.

On the space front, you don't have a set number of pictures or file size if you have a free account. Most sites have a certain limit, like 240 photos per month or 50 megabytes of total storage for free accounts. Flickr, interestingly, just has an upload limit. You get 20 megabytes of upload a month. There's no total storage limit. Every month, the counter resets. Handy.

Moreover, the interface and features are way the hell better than anything else. The layout is just...clean. No clutter, easy to use, simple. It's almost entirely HTML/CSS/DOM/Javascript based, so, with the sole exception of the album organizer, there's no JVM or Flash plugin to freeze your browser. And the API is open, so there's a ton of neat tools out there to create photostreams and such. And don't forget tagging.

I'm so impressed, I just bought an account.

Current Mood: satisfied
Current Music: 21st Century Schizoid Man - "Court of the Crimson King" - King Crimson

Birthday photos.

2006-01-22T23:48:00.000-06:00

Even though I love my digital camera, I'm not going to place large amounts of photos directly on this page. It's really not the ideal forum for that.

Flickr is.

If I take groups of photos, they'll almost certainly appear on there. For example, select photos from Jon's birthday last night are here.

Enjoy.

Current Mood: happy with my freshly shorn skull
Current Music: We Looked Like Giants - "Transatlanticism" - Death Cab for Cutie

The miracle of modern technology.

2006-01-21T17:31:00.000-06:00

You know what's the greatest thing about portable audio players?

When you're walking down Green Street and a hobo asks you for spare change, it's really easy to ignore him.

Current Mood: cheap
Current Music: No One Knows - "Songs For The Deaf" - Queens Of The Stone Age

Uh-oh.

2006-01-19T22:53:00.000-06:00

I just swallowed an eraser.

I was biting the eraser at the end of my pencil, and it came off. Then I started just chewing on the loose eraser, and then I swallowed it.

Because I am a moron.

Current Mood: worried about the toxicity of a common household eraser.
Current Music: Eraser - "The Downward Spiral" - Nine Inch Nails

Contradictory Quizzes.

2006-01-19T21:16:00.000-06:00

I'm prepping a big entry for a later date. So: quiz time.

How evil are you?

Well, that's a pretty tame result. Unlike:

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

According to the test, my level of hell is reserved for: "Guarded by the Minotaur, who snarls in fury, and encircled within the river Phlegethon, filled with boiling blood, is the Seventh Level of Hell. The violent, the assasins, the tyrants, and the war-mongers lament their pitiless mischiefs in the river, while centaurs armed with bows and arrows shoot those who try to escape their punishment. The stench here is overpowering. This level is also home to the wood of the suicides- stunted and gnarled trees with twisting branches and poisoned fruit. At the time of final judgement, their bodies will hang from their branches. In those branches the Harpies, foul birdlike creatures with human faces, make their nests. Beyond the wood is scorching sand where those who committed violence against God and nature are showered with flakes of fire that rain down against their naked bodies. Blasphemers and sodomites writhe in pain, their tongues more loosed to lamentation, and out of their eyes gushes forth their woe. Usurers, who followed neither nature nor art, also share company in the Seventh Level."

Wow, that's pretty accurate!

Current Mood: bored
Current Music: Third Eye - "Ænima" - Tool

Frakkin' awesome.

2006-01-18T22:19:00.000-06:00

Oh, how I love having a free evening to work on useless shit. Tonight's masturbatory event: adding gratuitous image transitions to the PRIDE site.

A while back, I stumbled across this very neat project called Lightbox. It's an attractive way to overlay an image on a page. I tried it out, it looked great, and even better, even a rank amateur like me could install it without breaking a sweat.

So I did.

Check out the PRIDE site Photos page. Click on the Alma Mater image. Bask in the glory.

Now, of course, it's not perfect. I neat to add some better image styling to my CSS description. And I need to think of an attractive way to arrange thumbnails on the page. And, of course, you know, I need freakin' photos. Guess I better head down to the LGBT Office and snap some quick shots.

Still, even in this rough form, it's cool. And it took all of 10 minutes to implement.

Update: I've done a little testing. The effect works as expected in (on the Mac) Camino 1.0b2, Firefox 1.5, Opera 8.5, and Safari 2.0.3. On Windows, it works fine on IE 6 and whatever version of Firefox my friend is running. However, it does not work worth a damn on IE 5 for Mac. Not like I really care, as it's almost never used, but if some Windows user is on a Mac in the lab and launches Internet Explorer out of habit, they'll be disappointed.

Current Mood: nerdy
Current Music: Masturbates - "Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy" - Mindless Self Indulgence

Good links.

2006-01-17T15:26:00.000-06:00

A couple good links today. God, how I love being back on a fat connection so I can indulge my crippling RSS addiction.

Engadget had a great article today summarizing the coming transition to digital TV. I had to brush up on the whole shebang over break, as one of the main TV's at my parents' blew a gasket and they're now in the market for an HDTV. There's a lot of confusion out there about plain digital TV, HDTV, why the transition is occurring, what it will mean for your old analog TV, all that jazz. It's a good read.

And Gizmondo had a hilarious article up today. I've mentioned before how I've heard several times of the bizarre occurrence of cellphone expeditions into toilets. Be it random conversations overheard or experiences gleaned from people I know (good job, Jessica), somehow people manage to drop their mobile phones into the crapper. However, I've never heard of somebody actually flushing the phone down the pipes. Not, at least, until I read this article. Wow. Warning: a little bit gross pictures included in the article.

Ahhh, good times. And now relaxing before my night class. Yes, night class, I know. I'll get to that later.

Current Mood: enlightened and amused
Current Music: WLS Live Stream

I have a horrible secret to tell you all.

2006-01-15T23:12:00.000-06:00

I like Celebrity Fit Club. I mean, I really like Celebrity Fit Club. It's sick.

I'm not sure what it says about me that I like to watch B-list or below "celebrities" lose meager amounts of weight. I can't miss an episode. I live and die by how much weight Chastity Bono lost this week. It's perverse and it's wrong but I can't stop.

I'm a dirty dirty reality TV whore.

Current Mood: disgusted with myself
Current Music: Fat Bottomed Girls - "Jazz" - Queen

I love The Onion...

2006-01-15T17:52:00.000-06:00

I just discovered this startling piece of news today:

Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory

Sigh, I cannot understand how people can be so stupid. Yes, I mean, I know, it's obvious "gravity" is made up by white rich men to keep women, gays, and minorities down, that's a given. But to say Jesus is the reason for the feelin' of fallin'? That's ludicrous.

His Noodly Appendage pulls all of us back to his blessed plate. That's the cause of the so called "gravity".

This should be obvious to even a layman. Planets are round, just like his Sacred Meatballs. Projectiles fly in a curved path, as they are following a strand of of the Flying Spaghetti Monster's Noodly Appendage. The Pioneer Anomaly is caused by FSM's screwing with the Universal Spaghettification Constant. Black holes are just empty spots in the space-noodle continuum caused by a huge unified fork-hunger field.

Let us all say Amen. Er, Ramen.

Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: Dancing In Heaven - "Mighty Rearranger" - Robert Plant And The Strange Sensation

Technorati Tags: humor, religion, science

Uh-huh.

2006-01-14T19:52:00.000-06:00

For some reason, my aunt bought me a FUBU jacket.

Yeah, really, FUBU.

She's a little...behind the times, let's say.

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Pussy All Night - "Tight" - Mindless Self Indulgence

Yikes.

2006-01-12T16:03:00.000-06:00

Yeesh. Sorry if it seems I've not been around.

Nope, I've not dropped off the face of the earth. Hell, I wasn't even stuck in an alternate dimension where sentient shrimp ruled what remained of humanity with an iron claw. There's just been some...annoying things that happened this week that required a lot of attention and a fair bit of driving. I'll go into all that shit later.

So, yup, I'm alive. I'll be back in Champaign on, um, probably Sunday. I'm definitely ready for some work and school. And broadband. All the gods in the heavens and all the demons in the deepest hells, how I've missed broadband...

Ah, and before I sign off, a recommendation for any of my Mac using brethren: Windows Media Plugin for QuickTime. How I've yearned for this. Finally, a decent, easy-to-use solution for watching WMVs on Mac OS X. See, you could certainly play Windows Media before, but the options weren't exactly stellar. You could use VLC, which would work quite well on codecs it knew; however, the latest WMV formats would not play. Or you could use Microsoft's Windows Media Player for OS X; however, that was, without a doubt, the worst fucking program on the Mac. It was...I can't even convey the awfulness of it in words. It...if you changed the volume, the video would freeze for ten seconds. It was the biggest stinking pile of shit ever to hit the Mac. Which is weird, considering the generally high quality of MS Office for Mac...anyway, MS seemed to recognize it had a lemon on its hands. So, what they've done is license a third-party utility called Flip4Mac. Upon installation, WMV files will play without a hitch in QuickTime Player. Beautiful.

It's not perfect; if you want to create or transcode WMV, you have to buy the full version of Flip4Mac. And, if you want to watch DRM'd video coughcoughSeanCodycoughcough, you have to use the horrible WMP for Mac. Also, it seems to have bugs with QuickTime 7.0.4, which should be quickly resolved, and it's not available for the new Intel Macs, which I imagine will take longer, as they'll have to optimize it for SSE instead of AltiVec. Of course, nobody actually has the Intel Macs yet...

Still, it's a nice step. I was getting ready to pirate this the other day, and Microsoft has saved me the trouble.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Sorrow - "The Process of Belief" - Bad Religion

Blah...

2006-01-06T20:01:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling kind of under the weather. I had a cold at the end of finals, which sort of never completely went away. Now, probably as a result of being exposed to horrible concentrations of other sick people and stress due to...never mind...I'm sick. Just a sore throat, not much appetite, and a run-down feeling. Nothing horrible. Just...bleh. At least I'm not like my poor parents who both had to go to the doctor. They were coughing so hard they couldn't sleep at night. Fun.

So, since I'm staying in tonight, quiz time!

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
I, um, had a good job?

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I did not keep my resolution from last year. So this year, I will redouble my efforts. My resolution: whore around a lot more.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope. Which is good; nobody I know should be breeding.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Doug.

5. What countries did you visit?
None, thus continuing my 22-year streak.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
Better grades, better workout discipline, and better time management. Although I suppose that last one is the root of the other two...

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Saturday, August 27th.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Hmmmm...my job?

9. What was your biggest failure?
Grades. (Damn you to the fiery pits of hell, MatSE 406 and ECE 440.)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Meh, a cold here and there. Oh, and I fell down a lot, but with no damage.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
That I bought? Ummm...food?

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
None. I hate you assholes. Every last one.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Conservative Christians.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Whew...probably the money I didn't get back from my security deposit on my last apartment.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
School. Sad, yes, I know.

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
Feel Good Inc., by Gorillaz. It's a work thing.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder: As of this exact moment? Sadder, maybe. But that's just because of this week...
Older or wiser: Both. I'm an old man of 22 now.
Thinner or fatter: Sigh...a lil' fatter...
Richer or poorer: Richer in most interpretations of the word.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Working out. And reading actual books.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Procrastination.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
The usual. Christmas Eve with my dad, as mom always has to work on that holiday, then Christmas morning with my parents, then the rest of the day with my aunt/cousins.

21. How did you spend New Year's Eve?
At a tittie bar.

22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
Me? Love?

23. How many one-night stands?
Three...wait, does it count if you don't actually spend the night?

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Whew...either Fullmetal Alchemist or Ghost in the Shell: SAC. Yes, I'm a nerd. Shut up.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
My hatred is eternal. It transcends your pitiful mortal concept of time. Oh, and those bitches from the Feminism class I took. God, I hate women so very much.

26. What was the best book you read?

Anansi Boys, by Neil Gaiman.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Mars Volta.

28. What did you want and get?
A new computer.

29. What did you want and not get?
A research position.

30. What was your favorite film(s) of this year?
Meh, I'm not much of a movie person anymore...maybe The Devils' Rejects.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
It was the birthday that marks my long march toward decay and death: my 22nd. As my plans got thrown to the wind by Homecoming, I was at Murphy's, then at some place downtown, then in some guy's bed.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Better grades.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
In a word: nonexistant.

34. What kept you sane?
Friends, learning a huge freakin' lot about sci/tech stuff, my job, and a drug cocktail of Prozac and crystal meth.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Sigh...Jake Gyllenhaal...he's dreamy...

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Digital rights management. Software patents. Open source software.

37. Who did (do) you miss?
Doug.

38. Who were the best new person/people you met?
People from work.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005.
Obsessing about things you cannot change only results in frustration, sleeplessness, and breakouts.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Transient jet lag ecto mimed bison
This is the haunt of roulette dares
Ruse of metacarpi
Caveat emptor... to all that enter here

Open wrist talks back again
In the wounded of its skin
They'll pinprick the witness
In ritual contrition
The am trinity fell upon asphyxia-derailed
In the rattles of...
Made its way through the tracks
Of a snail slouching whisper
A half ass commute through umbilical blisters
Specter will lurk
Radar has gathered
Midnight neuces from boxcar cadavers

Exoskeletal junction at the railroad delayed
Exoskeletal junction at the railroad delayed

It's because this is...
Cranial bleeding
Leaches train the living
Cursed are they who speak its name
Ruse of metacarpi
Caveat emptor to all that enter here

Exoskeletal junction at the railroad delayed
Exoskeletal junction at the railroad delayed

It's because this is
Rattling the laughter
Hinges splintering inside
Bludgeoned to a saddle
Rang the cloister bell inside
inside
inside

exoskeletal junction at the railroad delayed
exoskeletal junction at the railroad delayed

it's because this is...

Current Mood: surround-sound coughing
Current Music: Feel Good Inc. - "Demon Days" - Gorillaz

It's funny. Laugh.

2006-01-03T17:49:00.000-06:00

Dave Barry's year of horrors: the lowlights of 2005.

My favorite line:

Greta Van Susteren is elected prime minister of Aruba.

I wonder if they'll ever figure out Natalee Holloway's in a large pit in my basement? Bitch better put the lotion on her skin...

Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: Lotion - "Pleetch (Bonus Tracks)" - Greenskeepers

More on New Year's Eve.

2006-01-02T19:31:00.000-06:00

Yeah, two entries on New Year's. I just wanted to get a separate entry up on the hilarious awkwardness that happened at Big Al's.

Now, I was hoping to have a huge chunk of pictures up. Unfortunately, that didn't pan out, because I didn't feel like taking my new camera to a busy bar in Peoria. Somebody might have stolen it. And then I would have had to track them down and bash their skull in. And, really, I've been in the paper enough for that.

Ah, good times.

Anyway...highlights:

• Mindy had the good sense to rent a hotel room near the bar. Smart. Very smart.

• When Trevor happened to say the word "faggot" while playing a drinking game, I smacked him upside the head. That's my standard response now. And just for the word "faggot". I hereby decree that word shall never be used again. Unless I say it. But then it's O.K., because I'm a faggot.

• It's strange I don't have any friends at the U of I who are from Peoria. People at other Illinois school seem to meet plenty of people from P-town, but I know of none. Strange.

• I paid $15 bucks for cover to get into the 4 bar Big Al's/Club Reign/Z-bar/Tomcats complex. I suppose that's not horrible; I hear the Clybrourne was charging $20 for cover.

• While waiting in line, I start wrestling with Jake. He said we should stage a fight so the next day the paper would read "Gay computer science major beats up straight college football player." I then screamed "THAT'S DISCRIMINATION! ....... I'M A MATERIALS SCIENTIST!"

• Why is it Big Al's, a tittie bar, has the best music of about any bar I've ever been to? There was a stripper dancing to "Terrible Lie" by NIN. That's just awesome and so wrong at the same time.

• Everybody seems fatter since high school. I feel a certain sense of schadenfreude about that.

• At midnight, the bar had a balloon drop. Balloons that contained $4000 worth of cash. And what did I end up with? $2. There was a ten dollar bill right there, but some bastard got it...too damn slow.

• Z-bar is a cool bar. Dueling pianos? Suh-weet.

• Brad made fun of me for wanting to order an appletini. Probably because he thought it was too gay. This coming from a guy who just bought a Coheed and Cambria album. What a flaming bottom boy faggot.

• I'm a dancing fool; it just takes the right stimuli to bring it out. Expose me to something with a beat for at least 2 hours, put a little liquor in me, and just watch me go.

• Some chick started dancing on me. If I wasn't so sure she was a lesbian, I'd be grossed out.

• Women really need to realize men are sluts and just get over it. Or at least they need to stop breaking down and crying in the middle of a bar.

• Brad and I went to get some post-bar food. Because dancing makes you oddly hungry, I've found. As I loves me some post-debauchery pancakes, I drove us out to Perkin's. For all it's faults, Perkin's does have some damn fine pancakes. So we drove our way north through streets full of drunks and cops. We finally get to Perkin's. I pull into the parking lot.

It's closed. Shit. Apparently open 24 hours doesn't apply to holidays.

So then we made the mistake of going to IHOP. IHOP, in my experience, acts as some sort of strange attractor for the most annoying fucking human beings ever birthed. I'm not sure why this occurs. Yes, any chain restaurant at 3 a.m. will hold some...odd bits of humanity. But IHOP seems to really draw pack 'em in. That night's dining extravaganza featured a table of screaming 400 pound guys, a waiter with no teeth, people yelling at customers to go to another restaurant, and, of course, a screaming toddler.

Yup, there was a toddler at IHOP at 3 a.m. on New Year's Eve. Satan knows why a grandparent (I assume the creature with the child was its grandmother) would have a little child out at 3 a.m. (That's almost as strange as the toddler at the midnight opening of the R-rated Matrix Revolutions.) And, of course, the child starts screaming. And screaming. Not that I really blame it, it was the middle of the damn night. Then, the grandmother starts spanking the kid. Which is not something people usually do anymore in response to a noisy kid in a restaurant; usually they start by taking them outside or into the bathroom. But no, the old lady just went right to the whacking. And when the kid kept crying, she started really smacking him around. I mean, spanking him hard and then smacking him on the back so hard he almost fell over. The two girls at the table, and I can only guess at their relation, sat there and laughed.

Peoria, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, and the pancakes sucked.

• When I went back to the hotel, Zack Benne was there. I hadn't seen him forever. I told him to tell his cousin that her boyfriend is a douchebag. He agreed.

• Jake fell asleep, somehow, on a table. I can't imagine that was comfy.

• I ended up driving Ryan and Zack over to East Peoria to what I imagine was a drug deal. Hey, not like it's the first time I've been dragged along to get pot.

I'll add more as I think of it. Or if anybody reminds me of more shit.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Terrible Lie - "Halo 02 - Pretty Hate Machine" - Nine Inch Nails

Secrets and Lies.

2006-01-02T14:26:00.000-06:00

If you read the local newspapers or watch the local TV news at all after New Year's, you always see pieces on "Baby New Year" or some such thing. You know, first baby born after the stroke of midnight on January first. The baby gets, I dunno, free diapers for its life or whatever.

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: the baby featured in the paper often isn't the first baby born in the new year.

My mom works in labor and delivery at a hospital in Peoria. She's had to work on New Year's Eve several times. And the truth of the matter is, the baby the PR department decides to report is the one who is born first and is the most presentable.

Or, put another way, a hospital ain't gonna report no crack baby to the paper.

The hospital tries its best to find an "acceptable" baby and family. If there's a drug baby born at 12:01 a.m. to an unwed meth-ed up poor black woman who's already had 5 kids taken by DCFS, and there's a baby born at 1 a.m. to a married middle class white woman with lots of fawning grandparents around, guess which baby will be put in the paper?

Little duplicitous? Perhaps. But hey, my mom works at a Catholic hospital; nobody ever accused Catholics of being moral, ethical, and true to the word of Christ.

Current Mood: revealing
Current Music: The New Year - "Transatlanticism" - Death Cab for Cutie

Crystallized Awkwardness.

2006-01-01T19:35:00.000-06:00

Last night was New Year's, and I was out at the bars with friends from high school, including my heterosexual lifemate, Brad. As always happens when I'm out and about back home, there's always some moment of terrible awkwardness. And last night, there was a 60-second period for both Brad that approached an previously unthinkable level of awkward-fu.

Scene

We were in a bar.

Brad's former crush appears and starts talking to him.

Brad's other former crush, who treated Brad like shit and is the sister of aforementioned crush, is also there, and starts talking to Brad.

Standing right there was the girl Brad lost his virginity to on a high school New Year's Eve.

And also standing right there was a girl from Farmington who is now a stripper.

And all of this was taking place in a strip club.

Yes, two of the girls he was obsessed with and went through no end of miserable obsession were in the club, along with the girl he very noisily lost his virginity to on a long ago holiday, and with a former FHS bandmate who is now a stripper in the club we were in.

Poor Brad.

End Scene

I had my own internal moment of discomfort. While I was sitting next to Brad during his whole 'Ghosts of Bitches Past' experience, a song came on. The song that was playing when I first fooled around with a guy. And standing right there is the guy who was gay in high school is now straight. And there also stands his friend, and if he's not gay, I'll eat my old iPod, box and all. Again, all this happened in a tittie bar.

Perhaps that's more surreal than anything.

Current Mood: rambling
Current Music: Mouth (The Stingray Mix) - "Deconstructed" - Bush^*

^*Yes, this is the song that was playing the first time I gave a guy a handjob. Why is it every time I get laid crappy and/or inappropriate music is playing? Couldn't I at least get some Dave Matthews? I swear, if I have to suck dick to "My Humps" one more time, I'm going straight...

Asshole.

2005-12-29T19:49:00.000-06:00

Wow, I seem to have no freakin' motivation to update while I'm at home. Probably because I can't stand dialup, and the far superior TV here keeps me distracted. I should do a real update at some point. Meh. For now, here's a scene from my family's Christmas.

No one seems to believe me when I say my family is insane, and people don't believe me when I say we express our love through sarcasm, violence, and pure evil. I think I can prove this wrong with two pictures taken with my fancy new digital camera.

Below is my 11-year old cousin, Jordan:

That is some rocker hair, let me tell you. Although the image is hurt by the pink shirt. Ahem. Anyway, those are some impressive 5-6 inch hair spikes. From the length, you can probably gather the length of his hair before the shaving. It was really long; picture Dave Grohl from the Nirvana days, and you've got a good idea.

Now, a normal kid would probably just throw the shorn hair away, right? No, not in my family. Instead...

...he gave it to his balding uncle as a Christmas present:

(Click for its full-size bag-o'-hair glory.)

Yes, really, that's not a doctored image, he actually put all the hair in a plastic bag, wrapped it, and then gave it to his uncle, my cousin, to hide his growing bald spot and receding hairline.

You see? My family is evil. I told you so. The madness continued throughout the day, when, for example, I told my aunt that GTA is a game about killing hookers with a baseball bat and taking their money. And when I said Chuck Norris traveled back in time to stop the Kennedy assassination but failed when his miraculous beard block of the bullets caused Kennedy's head to explode in amazement.

Ah, family.

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Cousin Kevin - "Tommy" - The Who

Technorati Tags: Christmas, family, hair

Again, going to hell.

2005-12-21T19:56:00.000-06:00

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	High
Wrath:	Very High
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	High
Lust:	High
Pride:	Very High

Discover Your Sins - Click Here

Current Mood: only medium on Greed and Sloth? Really?
Current Music: Nerve Rack - "Trigun OST" - Tsueno Imahori

Always fun at home.

2005-12-21T19:48:00.000-06:00

Whooo, that was a long lapse from posting. Um, let's see, incredibly easy last final, hung out with some people over the weekend, left on Monday, started going to the gym today, boom, you're caught up.

So, yeah, now I'm in the wilds of Trivoli. It's...well, a little boring, but it's nice to relax. And we have a DVR here, which makes me harder than a priest in a playground. And, of course, I get to experience the awkward, funny, and unique situations that make life my life interesting.

A strange moment: my dad asked me to download a track off of the Brokeback Mountain soundtrack. That's...perhaps not a typical father/son interaction.

Another strange moment: My mom was feeling under the weather (in a fit of pique while Xmas shopping, she ran an old woman who was driving too slowly off the road and executed her gangland style, so I imagine she's feeling a little guilty), so dad and I went to the big city of Farmington to eat. We went to the Pizza Company, which, nine times out of ten, has people from high school lurking around. And there were plenty tonight. Thing is, not a one recognized me. Which is a little off-putting. Do I look a lot different from high school? Or, more likely, nobody remembers me at all?

Another strange moment: And then I thought I was going to get run out of town for being a wizard. As dad and I were eating, we also talked of matters philosophical and technological. I was talking about, for example, IBM's patent position on silicon-on-insulator processing, and Blu-Ray versus HD-DVD (HD-DVD is better, in my opinion, because it supports managed copy, and it's been shown to actually have large manufacturing yields and can be adapted to current DVD authoring lines, unlike Blu-Ray.) Behind dad sat two local yokels with beards and camo outfits. You know, people who would watch Fox News if they had cable and could operate a remote control. Like Leo Buchinagi, except they probably didn't secretly crave a good ass fucking. Anyway, when I was discussing the SOI and the DVD stuff, the two guys were looking at me like I had grown and second head and proceeded to tap dance and sing in Aramaic. Really, it was like I was scaring them somehow. They looked as if talking of intelligent matters physically hurt them. Which, I suppose, hailing from Farmington does kinda put the fear of knowledge in you. After all, that bitch Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge, and now everything's all cocked up. Damn Christians...

Anyway, I'm home again, and I can tell. And since I imagine I've got roughly 5 days left until terminal boredom sets in, feel free to call or IM me.

Really, feel free.

Please.

I'm so lonely out here on the prairie. For the love of Satan, call!

Current Mood: fearing a pitchfork to the skull
Current Music: Time - "Echoes" - Pink Floyd

Oh...I can't...the horror...

2005-12-16T21:37:00.000-06:00

I found out what my mom wants for Atheists Get Presents But Don't Have to Get Up and Go to Church Day ©. It's...

...so horrible...

...can't...can't even bring myself to say it...

...can't...

...a Carrie Underwood CD!!!!!!!

<Revenge of the Sith Darth Vader>

N O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! !! !! !! !!!! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! !! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! !!! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
</Revenge of the Sith Darth Vader>

Oh well, at least my dad's present has been taken care of: Cinderella Man on DVD.

Current Mood: horrified
Current Music: Three Days - "Ritual De Lo Habitual" - Jane's Addiction

Keeping track of things.

2005-12-16T21:03:00.000-06:00

I should be studying for my freakin' 8 a.m. final tomorrow, but instead, I'm going to waste time. I just don't feel like reading that final chapter on photoresists.

• My MatSE 481 final was shockingly, frustratingly easy. The professor never told us the layout of the test, so I was studying like a madman. I figured we'd have to index diffraction patterns, identify crystallographic groups, predict SAD patterns, all that horrible monotonous crap our latest homeworks have have consisted of. Nope. It was almost the same thing as the first test. All short answer. No stereograms. No three-page long tables of diffraction intensities. No, just draw the setup for bright field imaging in the TEM. Which was good and bad, because I focused much more on the harder stuff and kinda neglected the basics. Eep. Oh well, I think I did fine.

• My GWS 350 paper was...well, I think it was good, but I'm not sure if it was...feminist enough. I focused on the gender gap in science and engineering (which is huge; women make up an average of 22% of engineering programs in universities in the United States). However, instead of using the somewhat silly feminist arguments like "scientists pervert the body of nature for their own Frankenstein experiments" and "scientists' eyes fuck the world to make techno-monsters" (no, really, that line was in the readings we had), I focused on more, I'm not sure how to describe it, social causes. I talked about the lack of role models in the science, the influence of marketing on girls, the stereotypical girls' toys, the lack of teacher encouragement, you know, more concrete causes, not "men are evil." Sigh, I was really disappointed with this class. Mostly because of the people in the class. But I'll write of that later.

• I don't want to take a final at 8 a.m. I know the topics. I just don't want to get up before sunrise.

• I'm probably taking off for Trivoli on Monday. Remember, if you need to call me, use my other home number. I live in the sticks; unless I'm leaning out of the second floor window on the east side of the house while holding an aluminum rod and praying to the sun god and unplugging the fridge to minimize interference, my cell phone has terrible reception. So call the home number. IM if you need it.

• Fuck Christmas.

• I don't have any shopping done for Atheists Get Presents But Don't Have to Get Up and Go to Church Day ©. None. Not a whit. No idea what to get for my parents. Not a clue. By this point it looks like they're getting a textbook on semiconductor processing.

• I hope I have people to hang out with over break. I mean, besides that asshole Brad.

• For Sweet Zombie Jesus's sakes, people, shower. Yes, you, the one who sits behind me in 481. Curry and sweat is not an attractive odor. At least splash on some Febreeze.

Current Mood: I don't wanna study!
Current Music: Happy Xmas (War Is Over) - "Merry Axemas - A Guitar Christmas" - Hotei

Queers and cars.

2005-12-16T16:33:00.000-06:00

So, there's be a whole shebang on Ford dropping some of its advertising in LGBT magazines. (I'm too lazy to drag up links.) Short version: Ford said it would stop advertising Jaguar and Land Rover in The Advocate and Out, the gays got mad, some fucktard Christian group claimed their boycott against Ford worked, Ford freaked out, reinstated the ads. Anyway, here's some good commentary from Autoblog:

Ford's soap opera.

My take on the whole thing: Ford is in dire straits (oooh, bad pun potential there...), so they decided to pull out of a niche market. That's it. Then the gays got pissed after the AFA claimed they were behind it. And then Ford recanted because they have no corporate spine whatsoever.

I like Jon Stewart's summary of the situation (roughly summarized): "Ford is only pulling ads for Jaguar and Land Rover, meaning they've stopped targeting rich gays who enjoy shorts in their electrical systems."

Current Mood: conspiratorial
Current Music: Teardrop - "Mezzanine" - Massive Attack

The Phallic Symbolism of G.I. Joe: The Movie.

2005-12-15T02:09:00.000-06:00

God bless you, Eric Naing.

Current Mood: coughing with laughter
Current Music: Shallow - "Deadwing" - Porcupine Tree

Ridiculing Christians and Conservatives, my favorite pass-time.

2005-12-14T15:35:00.000-06:00

I really should be typing a paper right now. Oh well.

• Republican Crap

Part of the Homosexual Agenda to Corrupt AMERICA! Part of a Transexual Atheist Plot to Cancel Christmas!

• Communicating with Christians

Quote: Have you accepted Jesus as your Lord and savoir?
Meaning: Hello, do you want to be a brain-dead clone like me?

Quote: Don't you want to go to heaven?
Meaning: You know, that place in the clouds with all the harp music.

Quote: You don't want to go to hell.
Meaning: I want you to go to hell. I get off at the thought of you going through eternal torture and torment.

Quote: While I respect your right to believe in what you want...
Meaning: I acknowledge that because of the liberal made laws in this country, you have the right to worship any ridiculous way you wish. We haven't found a way to legally force you to convert or kill you out right.

Quote: I'm just concerned about you soul.
Meaning: Give me your soul!

Quote: Don' t you know God/Jesus loves you?
Meaning: I said "Give me your soul!!! My Master demands Souls!

Quote: You bring up a very good point, but...
Meaning: Oh, oh, this guys starting to make sense, better change the subject!

Quote: The bible teaches us that...
Meaning: Our pastor /priest/reverend has brainwashed us into believing that...

Quote: It says here in Matthew 3:90...
Meaning: Even I don't understand what this quote means. I hope this guys a real sucker.

Quote: God works in mysterious ways.
Meaning: I haven't got a clue. Hail Eris!

Quote: You are misinformed and misguided.
Meaning: Hey, no fair using reason, facts and logic to shoot down all my arguments as the fairytales they are.

Quote: Homosexuality is a sin.
Meaning: I like doing little boys.

Quote: I have to go now.
Meaning: Dude, you are starting to make me think. Thinking is bad. I have to go now before the I start question my programming.

Quote: I hope you find your way.
Meaning: Straight to hell you heathen bastard. How dare you disagree with me. I can't wait to go to heaven where I can watch you suffer for all eternity.

Quote: I will pray for your soul.
Meaning: Please let me prey on your soul. My god hungers for your soul.

Quote: Don't you know that fornication is a sin?
Meaning: I can't get any. And even if I could, it would only last for 15 seconds.

Quote: This country was founded on Christian values.
Meaning: Which are: slavery, genocide, land theft, treaty breaking, censorship and mind control.

Quote: Abortion is a sin.
Meaning: You have to leave them in "the oven" until they are fully done, because our God does not like the taste of undeveloped souls.

Quote: Homosexuality is a sin. (pt 2)
Meaning: I Wish I wasn't gay.

Quote: Mind of I take a moment of your time to speak about Jesus Christ.
Meaning: Mind if I take an hour out of your life while I explain to you why I am right, you are wrong. That should give me enough time to claim your soul to present to my God who will reward me when I die by allowing me the chance of forever doing the happy dance at his feet and watching the sweet horrific torture he will bestow on you for ever and ever if you don't give me your fucking soul!

Damn consumer whores.

2005-12-14T14:50:00.000-06:00

The next wave of Xbox 360s are going to hit the stores this week.

Game Spot, an online retailers, will be selling them as either $1500 or $1000 bundles.

If what I saw at Best Buy the first day the consoles came out continues, they'll be going in bundles costing $870 there.

I have a modest proposal: if you have 1500 bucks to spend on a video game console, donate $1000 of it to charity and save the $500 to buy the console next year when they'll be piling up in mountains. You'll do something good for society, and if you wait a year, you'll actually have a good supply of optimized games, a cheaper and more reliable console, and probably an included HD-DVD drive.

Either that, or go spend spend 5 bucks on a sharp knife to slit your wrists, you filthy stupid selfish consumer whore.

Current Mood: disgusted
Current Music: Cassandra Geminni: A. Tarantism - "Frances The Mute" - The Mars Volta

OBO website update.

2005-12-13T22:11:00.000-06:00

Huh, the OBO people seem to have realized directly copying a popular website's code verbatim isn't the smartest idea.

They've deleted the comment

<TITLE>The Best Page In The Universe.</TITLE>

from the code. However, the navbar is still just a cutdown version of Maddox's, and the Javascript for the image swapping is the same exact stuff.

Too bad I didn't keep an archive of the earlier version. Oh well.

I already e-mailed Maddox and the maintainer of a Maddox fan site who keeps a running tab of knock-offs.

Ohhhh, Orange and Blue Observer. You're already the laughing stock of campus; you should try harder to not fuck up.

Current Mood: bashing skulls in the metaphorical sense
Current Music: Glass Arm Shattering - "Deadwing" - Porcupine Tree

Drumroll, please...

2005-12-13T20:01:00.000-06:00

I as I don't have a proper final until Friday (somebody up there likes me...) I have a little time to waste. So why not do, I dunno, top ten albums of 2005? And since I have time, I'll include the song you should have off the album.

Chris Perardi's Top 10 Albums of 2005

1. The Mars Volta, "Frances the Mute"
Best, if strangest, album of the year, and perhaps one of the best damn pieces of music I've ever heard.
Song You Should Have from the Album: Miranda That Ghost Just Isn't Holy Anymore (Yes, all freakin' 28 minutes of abstract lyrics about hooker sex and murder.)

2. Sleater-Kinney, "The Woods"
Although I liked One Beat a little better, this one was still pure rock fury.
Song You Should Have: Let's Call It Love

3. Nine Inch Nails, "with_Teeth"
Did I ever mention I got tickets to see them at Assembly Hall next year? Suck it, bitches.
Song You Should Have: The Hand That Feeds

4. the pillows, "FLCL OST 3"
Yes, I'm including an anime soundtrack. And yes, the anime was released a few years ago. But since the updated soundtrack was released this year, I get to include it, because I make the rules.
Song You Should Have: Blues Drive Monster

5. System of a Down, "Hypnotize"
Hated Mesmerize, loved Hypnotize.
Song You Should Have: Kill Rock 'n' Roll

6. Mindless Self Indulgence, "You'll Rebel to Anything"
Intelligent stupidity.
Song You Should Have: Shut Me Up

7. Robert Plant and the Strange Sensation, "Mighty Rearranger"
As close to Zeppelin as you can get. This one didn't get much recognition this year, except for the rather unexpected Grammy nomination.
Song You Should Have: Takamba

8. Audioslave, "Out of Exile"
Yeah, not as good as the first, but it grows on you.
Song You Should Have: Out of Exile

9. The White Stripes, "Get Behind Me Satan"
Again, one that grows on you.
Song You Should Have: The Denial Twist

10. Foo Fighters, "In Your Honor"
Well, the first half, anyway.
Song You Should Have: Hell

Current Mood: wasting time
Current Music: DOA - "In Your Honor" - Foo Fighters

Hmmmmmm...

2005-12-13T16:53:00.000-06:00

...you know, the layout of the new Orange and Blue Observer site...

...looks a lot like Maddox's site.

Huh, it's like they just copied everything, down to actually stealing the HTML right from the site.

I mean, look a the source, it's the same goddamn code! Right down to the comment "rULeR Of thE UniverSe" that appears in both.

Wow, good job OBO.

Current Mood: laughing
Current Music: Pig - "Before These Crowded Streets" - Dave Matthews Band

Going to Hell Now: part 2534.

2005-12-12T17:58:00.000-06:00

Jesus Christ Supercop - #2.

I think I'm definitely going to hell after watching that.

Mostly for the part when Jesus gets a fifteen day suspension, shoots himself in the head, is resurrected three days later, and then kills himself again and again and again to pass the time.

Or maybe when they call Jesus a "fucking Jew".

Or maybe when Jesus gets the shit beat out of him.

Or maybe when Jesus blinds a guy with the blood from his stigmata.

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Shake Your Blood - "Probot" - Probot

Ew.

2005-12-12T16:44:00.000-06:00

I think my ECE 440 final went surprisingly well today.

Well, except for the fact I was a few minutes late, as I couldn't find the room, because for some damn reason we were down in the Armory, and that place is a goddamn maze.

And except for the fact that halfway through the test I had a combination sneeze/nosebleed and sprayed blood all over my hands and my equation sheet.

Mmmmm, blood.

Current Mood: relieved
Current Music: Bloody Nose - "Yr Money Or Yr Life" - The Beauty Shop

Quick-like entry.

2005-12-11T23:04:00.000-06:00

I always thought those stupid little rubber bracelets people wear to "support" a cause were silly. They're such a useless statement that identifies the wearer as a prick who thinks buying a two dollar rubber band made by overseas slave labor will help the world. They're usually worn by suburban frat boys, 'nough said.

And here's one that's just really stupid:

Lines drawn in battle over Christmas.

Read about a third of the way down the page. They've sold over 50,000 bracelets supporting saying "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays."

Ya know, would Jesus have worn a crappy plastic bracelet?

(Sorry my wit isn't as sparking as usual, I'm a little stressed about a test tomorrow.)

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Stealing Society - "Hypnotize" - System Of A Down

Well put me in a dress, call me Aunt Sally, and slap my ass with a tuna!

2005-12-10T21:53:00.000-06:00

I think I actually did well on a presentation today. Incredible. I think, for once, I actually managed to get up and give a slide-based presentation on a topic without freezing like a deer in the headlights.

I think it helped that the paper that I happened to stumble upon expanded on a lot of other people's papers and was of general interest to electron microscopy. Also, the paper was written by a friend of my professors. Although, really, I'm not sure if that is a good think or a bad thing.

It also helped that only half the class speaks fluent English, so even though my voice was nasally due to the lake of phlegm in my chest, I still looked good in comparison.

Oh, and by the way, sitting through 4.5 hours of SEM/TEM-related presentations: boring as hell.

And now back to studying for my ECE 440 final on Monday.

Current Mood: relieved
Current Music: Eulogy - "Ænima" - Tool

Perverts.

2005-12-09T19:23:00.000-06:00

I was walking to an extended series of classes today for an extra heaping helping of energy dispersive spectroscopy and electromigration, which took me right through the winter wonderland of the, um, Engineering Quad.

As I was walking in front of Grainger, attempting to not slip and die, I noticed a snowman up ahead. My immediate thought, fueled probably by stress and lip balm vapor: "Awwwww." My initial reaction was someone had taken great care to construct it. They'd only used snow from a shallow parabolic dish dug around the sculpture in order keep the surrounding snow pristine, it had button eyes and twig arms, and it was smiling.

Then I got closer and saw it had a great big ol' pair of knockers on it.

For some reason, gazongas on a snow sculpture killed whatever pure innocent idealism I had left I had of the holidays.

And the fact I will be up all night doing homework on diffraction pattern indexing and preparing for a 9 a.m. presentation on aberration-corrected STEM has killed whatever pure innocent idealism I had left about life.

Current Mood: bored
Current Music: Intertiatic E.S.P. - "De-Loused In The Comatorium" - The Mars Volta

Quick post.

2005-12-08T16:41:00.000-06:00

I get strange strange strange people ending up here. Because I have the word "handjob" in the title, quite a few searches for handjob and blog show up here. Now, why somebody would be searching for a blog about handjobs, I have no idea. Are they looking for, like, a tip of the day site?

Anyway, I had a weird search result turn up my site: CHRISTMAS HANDJOB. Yeah, somebody was searching MSN for Christmas handjobs. What this could possibly mean, I have no idea. Do you paint your cock with red and green stripes to look like a candy cane?

I find something oddly sad about a search like that. I mean, there's something pitiful about someone who's looking for something that most people regard as sweet and innocent, and handjobs. I picture a lonely 40 year-old, no kids, no family, looking for pictures of a hooker, dressed in an elf suit, rapidly polishing someone's South Pole.

Current Mood: disturbed, yet humored
Current Music: Miranda That Ghost Just Isn't Holy Anymore: B. Pour Another Icepick - "Frances The Mute" - The Mars Volta

Winter freakin' wonderland.

2005-12-08T15:53:00.000-06:00

I do have this to say about the snow: it does make campus calm and peaceful.

The feeling is marred somewhat when you step in a six-inch hole full of snow.

Boring tales of an enginerd.

2005-12-07T20:44:00.000-06:00

Yes, indeed, finals have arrived. There's a telltale sign, at least for me, that indicates it's truly that time of year. That sign: the smell at Grainger.

No, I'm not crazy. The library takes on this...odor. It's like...how can I describe it...it's like cheap Asian food and desperation. It's like a nerd locker room. The computer labs get full, all the chairs are occupied, and people walk around contemplating the least painful way to kill themselves. It is a sight to see, especially when the library goes full 24/7 starting Saturday. And this year they'll have coffee for sale. So now it'll reek of stress sweat and espresso.

Anyway, I had to head down tonight to look for a paper for a presentation. Of course, since apparently the glaciers have descended south and settled somewhere near Mahomet, I had to put on my extreme survival gear, lash up the huskies, rig up the GPS beacons to guide myself through the storm, and make a few changes to my living will before heading out. I finally arrived, but only after eviscerating the corpse of a lost English major and using her guts to make a dandy pair of thermal underwear.

Ah, yes, the paper I was after. I'd been desperately searching for an article for a final presentation. My searches thus far had led me nowhere. To find a paper that integrated all the aspects of my electron microscopy class, sigh, what an epic task. I was beginning to fear that I'd have to head out at 9 am and give a presentation on the sheer taste sensation of the brownies my boss makes. But then...

...there it was, in the New Books section, shining like the Holy Grail, the Piece of the True Cross, and gaytorrents.net all combined: an MRS Symposium collection on the topic of Electron Microscopy and Materials. I fell to my knees and wept and sacrificed one of my sled dogs as a sacrifice to the gods of diffraction studies. And then, right there, the second article in the book: a paper on the use of aberration-corrected STEM imaging in materials analysis. I simultaneously shit, pissed, and came in my pants while chanting in what seems to have been Aramaic.

And after a fruitless search online for a PDF (stupid MRS, holds institutional access back for 18 months) and the final depletion of my quarter stash by the copier, it was time to head back home. I made it back with three out of four limbs to spare. And now here I rest, bathing in hot cocoa to restore bloodflow and even out the skin, contemplating my finals. I have a presentation at 9 am this Saturday. I have a final in the morning the next Saturday. The gods must truly be testing me.

Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: Jesus Walks - "The College Dropout" - Kanye West

Everyone is inferior to me.

2005-12-07T12:17:00.000-06:00

Taboo - What is the flavor of human flesh?

That's it, I'm giving any pretense I ever had of all intellectual fields being equal and useful.

Brrrrrrrrrr.

2005-12-07T09:31:00.000-06:00

It's 1º F right now.

That's a little bit too cold, even for me.

Current Mood: my nipples could cut glass
Current Music: To Tell the Truth - "Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex O.S.T. 2" - Yoko Kanno

iTunes video thoughts.

2005-12-06T19:38:00.000-06:00

Apple greatly expanded its video options today, as I mentioned earlier. I just downloaded the last episode of the second season of Battlestar Galactica.

Overall, I'm not impressed yet with the video offerings. (Holy shit, I said something against Apple? Must be the finals stress...) My complaint is mainly the quality of the video.

(An interjection: you can really up the quality of the video by simply not playing it in iTunes. Locate the move file on your drive, then open it in Quicktime Player. Now, open up the A/V controls, and bring down the contrast by one little smidge. I always thought the video was too dark, but with this tweak, it's way way better. I'm not sure if this works on Windows, or even on a Mac without Quicktime Pro. Caveat, um, hacker?)

Now, the video quality. With the contrast tweak, the video is just as good as you'd see on normal TV. Better, even, than the analog signal you'd get over cable. Of course, saying computer video is as good as normal TV is kind of like saying sleeping with that girl from the bar last night was just as good as sleeping with a blind transexual syphilitic 400 pound corpse of a 80 year old hooker. Standard definition TV is so woefully out of date that, without the bungling of the government and industry, it would have been consigned to the dustbin years ago along with cassette tapes and VCRs.

The video on iTunes is lightyears away from HD quality. I know. I've downloaded this exact same episode in HD online. Everything, color, sound, sharpness, contrast, everything is better. I can't even believe the difference. It's like watching a whole 'nother show. I don't think that I can really justify paying 2 bucks an episode at this point for such inferior quality.

Now, I can't blame Apple too much. Decoding 720p or 1080i takes a lot more horsepower, which would be hard to implement in something the size of an iPod. (Now, with Intel's XScale processor...) And having a wide aspect screen would change the iconic proportions of the iPod. And I have absolute respect for Apple for managing to wrestle a stagnant non-innovative entertainment industry into the future. Still, it's disappointing that the quality isn't there yet.

Oh well, baby steps. Give us a few more years of Moore's Curves, we'll have HD video on demand, no prob.

Current Mood: elitist techno-dick
Current Music: Pegasus - "Battlestar Galactica, Season 2" - Battlestar Galactica

This would make a great present for someone...

2005-12-06T15:10:00.000-06:00

...hint hint.

The King James Bible on a Keychain USB Drive.

You know, it's hardly a day goes by that I didn't wish I could plug in a USB drive into a public computer and read an outdated and inaccurate Bible. Sure, I can read it online, but what if the computer doesn't have Intarweb access? I mean, I suppose I could cary a book Bible around me, but then the Liberal/Athiest/Gay/Feminist secret police might swoop in and torture me in a secret prison by making me watch CNN. This way I can carry the word of god in convenient gaudy looking flash memory form!

EDIT: Wait, it's not Mac compatible? I mean, I suppose I can understand, as Mac users are infidels and sinners in the face of god. Still, you'd think they'd just have the thing as a PDF or HTML archive with a search function. Strange.

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Now Mary - "White Blood Cells" - The White Stripes

Dancin' on the fuckin' ceiling.

2005-12-06T12:32:00.000-06:00

You know, earlier this week, I was pretty sure I was going to christen finals week by taking a bath in hydrofluoric acid. An evil convergence of homework, finals, and presentations was creating a noose around my neck.

Now, though, it's chill, baby. My ECE homework due tomorrow? Canceled. My horrifying electron diffraction homework due Wednesday? Pushed back until Saturday! My presentation for which I had no idea about what to do? I can do it on any damn topic I please. The trailer for X-Men 3? Out. Battlestar Gallactica? Now on iTunes. Nations that put too much CO₂ in the atmosphere? Ridiculed.

Now, if it wasn't for the PRIDE Exec Board drama, I'd be happy as a homeless person with a free bottle of Thunderbird. I really don't want to go in to that bullshit on here; sufficed to say, I'll keep doing my job and let things work themselves out. Nothing I could say at this point would be at all constructive.

And now, as I took the afternoon off of work, I'm out to buy groceries and do some mad homework action.

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Living Inside the Shell - "Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex OST 2" - Shanti Snyder, Steve Conte

Random bitchiness.

2005-12-05T23:28:00.000-06:00

I hate drama. Quite a bit.

I also hate gay people. Quite a bit.

I also hate electron diffraction studies. More than quite a bit.

And I really hate that I have to get up at 8 a.m. this Saturday. I hate that enough to want to cleanse the world in the righteous fire of my hatred.

Current Mood: lil' stressed
Current Music: High Hopes - "Echoes" - Pink Floyd

Glass half-full.

2005-12-05T22:14:00.000-06:00

You know what helps with the cold?

Don't think of it as 7º Fahrenheit.

Think of it as 260 Kelvin.

Toasty, bitches.

Current Mood: warm
Current Music: Arnold Layne - "Echoes" - Pink Floyd

Top 30 (+1) Chuck Norris facts.

2005-12-05T22:09:00.000-06:00

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

10. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks.

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

14. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

19. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

20. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

22. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

23. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

26. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

27. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

30. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face

31. Chuck Norris doesn't put stock in latex condoms. He just puts his penis in one woman and does another woman using the first as a condom.

Oh, Idaho...

2005-12-04T16:26:00.000-06:00

Idaho proposes recognition of Napoleon Dynamite.

I thought that was fake at first, but it's real. It's on a government site, so unless it's been hacked, it's real.

It's good that state legislatures have nothing else to work on. Something like this must mean there's no problems left in Idaho.

Current Mood: disgusted, as I hated that movie
Current Music: Dancing In Heaven - "Mighty Rearranger" - Robert Plant And The Strange Sensation

Going to sleep when the sun is rising is disconcerting.

2005-12-03T18:08:00.000-06:00

You know, there's something refreshing about staying up until 5 in the morning while talking about politics and philosophy after you've drank a large large large amount of vodka.

Unfortunately, the refreshment wears off a little when you fall into bed at 6 a.m. and wake up at 4 p.m.

Current Mood: tired, sorta
Current Music: Takamba - "Mighty Rearranger" - Robert Plant And The Strange Sensation

Oh man, I should do this.

2005-12-02T12:05:00.000-06:00

Porn for Bibles.

I wonder how long it would take to get punched in the face if I had a booth on the Quad that offered to exchange porn for Bibles, Korans, Torahs, or what have you.

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Dreaming - "Hypnotize" - System Of A Down

Sorry for the lack of posts.

2005-12-02T11:58:00.000-06:00

Whew, I've been super busy. Ever had one of those days where you pick up a guy at a bar, but he turns out to be a woman who keep you locked up in a closet, hops you up on meth, and sodomizes you with a table leg for two days?

Yeah, me neither.

By the way, I have a confession: I was actually kinda cold this morning. It wasn't the 17º F, so much, as the wind. When I was walking to class, the boys had pretty much hidden in the tree house.

And then I got to class, and it was canceled. The TA for some reason didn't have me on his list. I punched through a meter thick wall of SiC.

Now tonight I have to parties to attend. Awkwardness could abound at either. Attending neither would be worse. So I will attend both.

Current Mood: bored
Current Music: Episode 9-Lost-Season 2

Out-takes.

2005-11-29T18:30:00.000-06:00

This little snippet is from that aborted weekend post I talked about. I felt it was too good to languish in my pile of unused crap.

The night started with my friend, brother, secret lover, and unwitting organ donor Brad Dix. We had some dinner, went to the mall, where we saw roughly half of our high school graduation class, and then picked up two of Brad's frat brothers, Stinky Pete and Alpha. Why frat boys always have bizarre nicknames I can only hazard to guess; perhaps it's a way to sublimate their raging homoerotic urges into an acceptable form. (There's a frat at Brad's school that showers together and plays naked soccer. Really.) After a brief ride on the Crazy Train (also known as Stinky Pete's mom, who was passed around by Ozzy Osbourne's roadies like she was a roach clip), we went to the Lucky Lady Bar and Grill.

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: Miranda That Ghost Just Isn't Holy Anymore: B. Pour Another Icepick - "Frances The Mute" - The Mars Volta

No more hotties.

2005-11-29T18:10:00.000-06:00

I agree, at least in part, with a friend's away message:

Who needs the sun? I certainly don't want to see it for the next three months. Fuck you, sun!

A guy bundled up like a penguin is much more attractive than a tall sweaty frat boy wearing basketball shorts and taking his shirt off on the quad. Fuck you, hot frat guys! (I'm looking at you, dude in my English class that stares at me and whose sneakers were untied today)

Women bundled in puffy coats like a bag of popcorn are much more attractive than tall leggy woman with big breasts. Fuck you, luscious racked women! (I'm looking at you, Andrea)

And fuck the outdoors! I certainly didn't want to have sex outside in a public place. Never crossed my fucking mind! Fuck you, anonymous person I wanted to have sex outside with! (I'm looking at you.)

Yay, winter is here.

Now, I don't care about the last part. I don't have a creepy fixation with having sex in a Jeep. But I so hear the lament about the lack of skin. No more cruising by the fraternities, no more frisbee on the Quad, nobody at the pool. Sigh.

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: No More Tears - "No More Tears" - Ozzy Osbourne

Common knowledge = wrong.

2005-11-28T23:09:00.000-06:00

I've heard many a time over my long trek through this world strange and unverified tales. Such as NASA invented Velcro, Teflon, and Tang.

No, they really didn't.

Velcro was created by some Swiss dude in the '40's.

Teflon was developed by accident in 1938 at DuPont.

Tang was made by Kraft in 1957.

Yeah, suck it.

Current Mood: right
Current Music: The Virus Of Life - "Vol. 3: (The Subliminal Verses)" - Slipknot

Damn you, Meijer.

2005-11-28T22:25:00.000-06:00

Do you really have to play Christmas music now? I mean, really? Can't it wait? Sure, yes, you put up your Christmas center up before Halloween, but that's just one area of the store. Do you have to assail my senses the entire time I'm in the store?

Current Mood: grinchy
Current Music: Stand Up (For It) - "Stand Up" - Dave Matthews Band

I'm a crafty SOB.

2005-11-28T12:39:00.000-06:00

For some unknown reason, homos tend to run on Queer Standard Time, or QST for short. It's wise to allocate at least an extra 15 minutes to your schedule to accommodate this annoyance. Figure closer to 30 minutes if the activity at all involves dressing up or hair maintenance. And god help you if you're going to a movie, because that tends to move the time differential closer to about an hour.

If you'll notice for Wednesday's PRIDE election, I set the time for 7:20. In reality, we don't plan to start anything until 7:30. I just set the time ten minutes early to make sure everybody actually arrives on time.

Smart, eh?

Current Mood: crafty like a fox

Current Music: Unerasable Sin - "Fullmetal Alchemist - Kesenai Tsumi" - Nana Kitade

Software shizzle.

2005-11-28T00:30:00.000-06:00

Although I haven't personally tested this (it's not like I have a Windows machine lying around), the application Paint.net looks to be a damn fine replacement for that piece of shit Paint program MS still includes with its OS. Try it out, it looks tasty. Of course, you'll need to have the version 1.1 .NET runtime, but I'm pretty sure that's included in XP SP2. And if you're not running that by now, well god help us all, don't breed; the world is stupid enough already.

And for my fellow Mac users, who already don't have the widespread cracked version of Photoshop CS on their system already: whip out your Developer CDs and root around for a program called Core Image Fun House. You know all those trippy effects you can do in Photoshop? They're there, and faster to run. You can create stuff like this. Oh, and play around with Quartz Composer, too; that baby can whip out some cool-ass shit.

And for all computer users (unless you're running, say, Mac OS 9, and if so, do the world a favor and go fuck an electrical socket), Firefox 1.5 will be released this week.

Current Mood: still busy, yet doing this shit
Current Music: Rise - "Ghost in the Shell" - Origa

Technorati Tags: computers, Firefox, graphic design, open source, photoshop, technology

God bless screaming lesbian feminazis.

2005-11-28T00:11:00.000-06:00

This is about the best 9/11 song I've heard. It's not about putting a boot in anybody's ass, so that alone differentiates it from every other song about that topic.

7:30 am nurse the baby on the couch
then the phone rings
"Turn on the T.V."
watch the world explode in flames
and don’t leave the house
And the sky overhead
is silent, waiting
Clear blue holds its breath
And the heart is hit
in a city far away
but it feels so close
Don't breathe the air today
Don't speak of why you're afraid
(Standing here on a one way road
and I fall down,
no other direction for this to go
so we fall down)
WHY CAN'T I GET ALONG WITH YOU?
And the president hides
while working men rush in
To give their lives
I look to the sky
and ask it not to rain
On my family tonight

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Far Away - "One Beat" - Sleater-Kinney

ADD.

2005-11-27T21:33:00.000-06:00

I was going to write up a big posting on my weekend, but instead, I'll just leave you with this nugget o' fun:

Trevor, a friend from high school, was hanging out with me at a bar. For various reasons, the whole gay issue came up. Here's how Trevor verified I was gay:

"So, you don't like the pussy anymore?"

You know, why can't everyone be direct like that? I hate when people dance around the issue. Just come out and ask if I like the cock. Really. It makes everything a lot easier.

Current Mood: lazy
Current Music: Freedom of Choice - "Emotive " - A Perfect Circle

Links.

2005-11-26T15:17:00.000-06:00

While I write up an entry describing last night's madness, I present you with random links:

• For some reason, Mike wanted me to post this: Two homos get hitched, conform to societies rules.

• Oftentimes it's useful to remove background from a photo. Say if you want to put a friend of yours in a porno picture. Here's a great tutorial.

• I fucking hate Rent. The characters in that play are idiots. Sitting around writing shitty music and dying of AIDS and trying to help homeless people by singing songs about clowns is not noble, it's incredibly cliché and stupid. So, in that spirit, the plot of Rent 2: Condo Fee.

• I like this quiz:

You scored as Materialist.

Materialism stresses the essence of fundamental particles. Everything that exists is purely physical matter and there is no special force that holds life together. You believe that anything can be explained by breaking it up into its pieces. i.e. the big picture can be understood by its smaller elements.

Your breakdown:

Materialist 100%
Modernist 94%
Existentialist 88%
Fundamentalist 31%
Postmodernist 25%
Cultural Creative 25%
Romanticist 19%
Idealist 0%

Damn right.

Current Mood: random
Current Music: Take The Veil Cerpin Taxt - "De-Loused In The Comatorium" - The Mars Volta

That's funny.

2005-11-22T19:20:00.000-06:00

I was walking by the TV when Mariah Carey was on, and I remarked that I hoped she would die horribly.

My mom then said she didn't like her because she's a skank.

I enjoy being home sometimes.

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: She's Like Heroin - "Hypnotize" - System Of A Down

Operation "Bag Me A Frat Boy Again" Results.

2005-11-20T23:24:00.000-06:00

Operation Objectives:

Primary Objective: Locate and take drunken advantage of Target A (codename: Abercrombie Closet Boy).
Secondary Objective: Locate and take drunken advantage of Target B (codename: Gay Guy In Brad's Frat).

Operation Results:

Primary Objective: Unsuccessful. Target was not located at local bars or fraternity complex. Intelligence reports suggests Target A was out of state at a football game.
Secondary Objective: Unsuccessful. Target was sighted, but confirmation was delayed and resulted in a loss of target acquisition. Situation was further complicated by sortie partner's drunken attempts to seduce female target by giving her a plate of Thanksgiving food.

Revised Operation Objective:

Primary Objective: Locate and seduce Target A (Abercrombie Closet Boy) during Fall Break/Winter Break. Enlist help of further accomplices to aid on project.

Well shit.

2005-11-18T11:41:00.000-06:00

Wow, I just completely and totally blanked on a presentation. I mean, "deer in the headlights" type of freeze. Shit.

Oh well, time for frivolity, as Fall Break is now on.

The sorting hat says that I belong in Ravenclaw!

Said Ravenclaw, "We'll teach those whose intelligence is surest."

Ravenclaw students tend to be clever, witty, intelligent, and knowledgeable.
Notable residents include Cho Chang and Padma Patil (objects of Harry and Ron's affections), and Luna Lovegood (daughter of The Quibbler magazine's editor).

Take the most scientific Harry Potter Quiz ever created.

Yup. That's probably right.

Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: Know Your Enemy - "Ultra Rare Trax" - Tool

Gay Problems.

2005-11-17T18:45:00.000-06:00

As best I can recall, the first time I came out to anyone was about this time freshman year. A lot of things have changed since that time. I've had much experience in the LGBT community. Good times, yes, but also some not so good ones. There's one thing that sticks in my mind most. Something terrible and backbreaking that weighs on my soul every day.

And that soul sucking problem is...

...

...you can't use the phrase "butterface" to describe a guy.

Which is a goddamned shame. Butterface, for you sheltered little boyscouts out there, is a phrase meaning a chick with a nice body but a horse face. Say this out loud quickly, and you'll see where it comes from: "She looked real good... but her face..."

It's just too bad there's no equivalent succinct and catchy phrase to describe guys. I mean, it's probably an even more common occurrence in males than females. Take the lead singer from Jane's Addiction, Perry Farrell, for example:

Horrible.

Now, here he is naked onstage:

See? Butterface would be perfect to describe that. Unfortunately, there is no equivalent term. A dire failing of the language, to be sure, and a severe hindrance on the gay man.

Current Mood: definitely going to hell now
Current Music: Sutamina Roozu (Stamina Rose) - "Ghost in the Shell - Stand Alone Complex OST" - Yoko Kanno/Gabriela Robin

Thoughts of a dying atheist.

2005-11-16T18:53:00.000-06:00

O.K., my post has absolutely nothing to do with that title. It's just a rockin' song.

Anyway, graphics time. At work, we're having contests to redesign subpar ads that have been running in the paper for a while. You know, like the ads for apartments that have been running since Ebert worked at the paper. For the first one, we were given this ad to redo:

(As always, click on the image for a larger size. Especially in this case.)

This one was...blah. I guess they were going for a folksy sort of hand drawn look. Which is O.K. (I do like the sun in the ad), but it just really didn't work very well, especially when you notice the incredibly shitty gradients in the cloud and the roof of the house. And the border sucks. It needed a revamp.

Here's my go at it:

(You're definitely gonna wanna zoom in on that one.)

I'm pretty happy with this one. It keeps the "home in the country" feel that the old ad was going for, but it looks, you know, good.

I think I may win this round. Only two other people entered, and their ads were stock photo based. I'm hoping that by creating the entire thing from scratch in Illustrator it stands out from the crowd. Of course, it's not perfect. The apartment listings aren't prominent enough, for example. Still, it's kinda cool.

Your thoughts?
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Thoughts of a Dying Atheist - "Absolution" - Muse

Technorati Tags: graphic design, photoshop

It's snowing.

2005-11-16T11:29:00.000-06:00

Is it just me, or did we seem to skip autumn altogether? It feels like we went from eighty degree weather to 30 degree weather with no in-between. And then back to 80º weather. And then to snow.

Damn weather, fucking with my head...

Current Mood: tired because I stayed out too late
Current Music: West Wing

It's true.

2005-11-14T12:15:00.000-06:00

In the spirit of PostSecret...

Also, in a pinch, Bounty makes a decent substitute for toilet paper.

Current Mood: embarrassed
Current Music: Chicago - "Illinois" - Sufjan Stevens

Whew.

2005-11-14T11:09:00.000-06:00

Never thought I'd be so happy to get a B on an exam. It's nice when everybody else is as stupid or stupider than you.

Current Mood: glad to have the MatSE 461 test done
Current Music: Beauty Is Within Us - "Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex OST" - Yoko Kanno/Chris Mosdell

Yeah, smart move.

2005-11-13T22:44:00.000-06:00

On Friday, I'm seeing the new Harry Potter movie at 12:01 a.m., and then I have to give a presentation for MatSE 461 at 10 a.m.

Yes, I'm going to see a kids' movie at midnight and then shortly after I'm giving a talk on carrier mobility in homoepitaxial diamond thin films.

My life is strange.

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Crazy Sunshine - "FLCL Original Soundtrack No.3" - the pillows

Dead on.

2005-11-13T21:29:00.000-06:00

What religion do you fit in with?

Handy-dandy annoyance removal.

2005-11-12T17:58:00.000-06:00

I hate MySpace, and in retrospect, I hate Xanga. The main reason: extraordinarily annoying pages with shitty background music and unreadable layouts. Guess what, you stupid cocksuckers, light pink text on a background you made in MS paint is pretty much unreadable, and I'd rather slit my wrists than hear Mariah Carey come through my speakers. Fortunately, these aggravations are easy to get rid of.

Head to Firefox Bookmarklets, and check out what's there. For getting rid of the background music, or annoying Flash animations that suck up 90% of your processor, drag the "zap plugins" bookmarklet to your bookmark bar and click on it to shut that fuckin' techno up. To get rid of the fucked up backgrounds and unreadable text, try the "zap style sheets" bookmarklet. There's a lot of other neat things there, so try 'em out.

Mind you, the only browsers that all of these will work on are Mozilla-derived programs. You know, Firefox, Camino, SeaMonkey. Of course, you should probably be using a Mozilla browser anyway, but if you're not, perhaps because your mother drank copious amounts of booze while she was pregnant, be careful which one you pick.

Current Mood: angry, yet able to resolve the problem
Current Music: Lyric - "Mary Star Of The Sea" - Zwan

Interesting.

2005-11-12T01:53:00.000-06:00

I can now say that I know someone who was molested by a dog.

I guess it could be a fairly common occurrence that while cleaning the wintry ice out of your dog's coat the beast tackles you and humps you. I suppose.

Hell, Mark was probably asking for it, considering what a slut he is. Probably was all slathered up with bacon grease and Alpo just to get some hot doggie-style action.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Lateralis - "Lateralus" - Tool

Random art.

2005-11-11T18:48:00.000-06:00

I just made this thing while waiting to head to a movie. Although that movie thing appears to be out of the picture now. Anyway, click for a larger version.

Yes, the wings are a little screwed up. I was just playing. Still, not bad.

Current Mood: waiting
Current Music: Kaze-wa Mirai-ni Fuku - "Trigun OST" - Tsueno Imahori

Well shit.

2005-11-11T16:05:00.000-06:00

The ECE 440 test last Friday had an average score of 54 with a standard deviation of 20 points.

[cocks gun, places against temple, fires]

Current Mood: let down
Current Music: Army of Me - "iTunes Originals - Björk" - Björk

Highway robbery.

2005-11-09T18:50:00.000-06:00

Well hellfire and damnation, the laundry machines in my building have been swapped out that cost 50 cents a load have been swapped out for $1 a loaders. My precious, precious quarters, down the maw of the laundry monster...

Oh well, I shouldn't complain about my realtor. A friend of mine lives in a building where the realtor decides when to turn on the heat. Turns out they don't turn on the heat until December. And guess what slumlord that is? I'll give you three guesses. Here's a hint: the company's acronym begins with C, ends with M, and has a P in the middle.

Current Mood: cheap
Current Music: West Wing

I heart visco-elastic materials.

2005-11-09T11:35:00.000-06:00

Well, not really. I'm more of a crystalline solids man myself. Still, this is the shit, dawg.

Read this quick article: The physics of Oobleck.

Now watch the amazingly awesome video of the experiment that's linked at the bottom of the article and I've mirrored on my Netfiles. [wmv file]

Be sure to watch the end. It'll blow your mind.

Current Mood: lil' sick
Current Music: Moya - "Slow Riot for New Zero Kanada - Single" - Godspeed You Black Emperor!

Famous FHS alumni.

2005-11-08T22:07:00.000-06:00

Well, I dunno if getting on College Humor counts, but still, funny.

Seth Holmstrom and Kevin Reed reenact Mike Tyson's Punch-Out and Contra for some reason.

Current Mood: quite amused
Current Music: Daily Show

Weird.

2005-11-08T19:33:00.000-06:00

Last night I dreamt I ate a Coelacanth at a restaurant.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, fossil fish.

Current Mood: weird
Current Music: Raining Blood - "Reign In Blood" - Slayey

This conversation cheered me up.

2005-11-07T20:23:00.000-06:00

Brad: apparently the college flyers featuring me in my boxers arrived in the mail today
Me: Huh?
Brad: the school asked me to do a promo shot
Brad: it was originally the drumline with me in the middle wearing no shirt
Me: That's...wow, I'm hard now.
Brad: then they decided they just wanted me in the middle of the football field with my drum, my undies, and that's it
Me: Delicious.
Me: Was Brad Jr. hanging out?
Brad: lol
Brad: no, I had to wrap him around my waist
Me: ...damn, there went my fantasy. Too big.
Me: Be like getting a stomach pump.
Brad: lol
Brad: good lord

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Desperate Housewives from last night